Dear Taya Everyone Is a Thief but I won’t

ever pilfer a thing but yiur heart and through creation i hope nit to purloin your charity but arrest your attention.
-robert
p s i am exhausted
INT. BAYLOR LANE PLEASANT HILL CA

[KID BEN SMITH and KID ROB BLACK are playing the original “Legend Of Zelda,” on the Nintendo Entertainment System aka the Famicom (Family Computer) KID BEN SMITH is at the control and KID ROB BLACK watches.]

KID ROB BLACK
I dunno why they call this game “Zelda,” Link does all of the goddamn work.

KID BEN SMITH
Well, “Link,” has more than
one meaning. What the f**k does Zelda mean?

KID ROB BLACK
I dunno, but you ever heard of scum? Or Scrum? Or something like that Remember the Venture Bros. Episode feat. “The Groovy Gang,” each member of which is a distasteful stereotype from the 60’s and/or 70’s

KID BEN SMITH
No.

KID ROB BLACK
You don’t? We’ll one of them -the Velma ripoff- was gay and back then a bunch of Homosexual Women-

[The “Buffalo Gals,” as featured in the Cartoon Network show “Cow and Chicken,” crash through the window.]

BUFFALO GALS
We’re such a sterotype we literally chew the carpet! You know, “Rug Munchers?”

KID BEN SMITH
Urg! Off topic!

[KID BEN SMITH and KID ROB BLACK share a glance. Although one of them would grow up to be “The Fury,” the other was still Solid Snaking it in the bush. They had plans for this.]

BLACK
What do we do when lost amid a sea of ignorence?

KID BEN SMITH
Spray fire in all directions.

KID ROB BLACK (DRESSED AS “THE FURY,” FROM MGS III)
True today, as said millennia ago.

[SCENE MISSING]

KID BEN SMITH
Well, that got rid of them.

KID ROB BLACK
So scum or whatevs was this radical group that wanted to get rid of slimy G.U.Y.s.

KID BEN SMITH
Girls Underneath You?

KID ROB BLACK
Yes. I mean, no; men. Everybody had mounds of pubic hair and zero tolerence, these women wanted to exterminate men, period.

KID BEN SMITH
All men?

KID ROB BLACK
Shit, I think they wanted to keep a few around for babies.

KID BEN SMITH
It’s a very odd sort of patriot that would destroy the first amendment to protect the second and also wished to eliminate roughly half of all humankind.

KID ROB BLACK
Actually, today the man/woman ratio is 47 per cent men, 53 per cent women.

KID BEN SMITH
“A Good Man Is Hard To Find,” was a phrase originated from Post-WWII expansion.

KID ROB BLACK
Lemme guess, when the draft was taking all of the men to war and healthcare was so poor a “Good Man,” was literally hard to find?

KID BEN SMITH
Yeah, but they’re were more men back then!

[KID BEN SMITH and KID ROB BLACK share another meaningful glance, and then go back to fucking around cause they’re like 12 years old going on 14.]

KID BEN SMITH
Heading through the Lost Forest.

KID ROB BLACK
Lemme get my chart.

[KID ROB BLACK removes ROLLED GRAPH PAPER from a place on his person not made entirely clear.]

KID ROB BLACK
I need this wall, plus half of that one to pin this thing up.

[KID ROB BLACK goes to pin up the graph. It unfolds more than fifty times as the physics in this “In-Story,” Universe are like that to RAH’s “Friday.” KID BEN SMITH looks at it with contempt, mildly amused that KID ROB BLACK still didn’t understand that a simple combo got them thru bad digs, making the map unnecessary.]

KID ROB BLACK
I’ve been spending 4 hours everynight this week on it, but I think we’re close!

[KID BEN SMITH much like Dan Akroyd’s toon of RAY STANZ doesn’t have the heart to tell BLACK he’s retarded; and he admires the effort very much.]

KID ROB BLACK
Loud noises!

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